everyone is healthy and happy

It's been a long time since my last entry; I know that. Things have gotten out of hand--or, at least, I'm feeling more overwhelmed than in the past. Summer is supposed to be a time of relaxation for us teacher-folk. I'm finding (however) that I'm busier than ever.

I took a summer job--working at a little boutique in my village--to pass the time and make some extra bucks. What was intended to be a few days a week has turned into five days, seven hours a day. It's monotonous work, and while I am grateful for that, I am exhausted after a long weekend. The only benefit to working in a store called KHARMA--which is owned by a woman practicing Hindu and peopled with Buddhists--is that I'm learning a lot about eastern spirituality, refining those thoughts I've had for a long time, seeing the connection between things (the non-accidents). I'm becoming a fuller person spiritually; that's wonderful.

As for other things...

The situation with W hasn't gotten any better. It's been a month since we spoke; we haven't seen each other or called each other (we haven't even said "hi") since Memorial Day weekend. Part of me is having a hard time with that. I feel like I'm chucking the situation because it became too difficult to handle--in other words, I lost control of it. I feel like I disappointed him; that may be a weird statement. After all, he was a jerk to me not the other way around. But it makes sense because I always said that I'd be there, thick or thin, and at the first sign--or the tenth sign--of trouble I gave up. I justify myself because it has always been hard, and I'm not one of those people who believe relationships should be hard; I think the opposite--it shouldn't be that difficult. The other part of me, however, is feeling liberated. I feel more like myself than I have in a long time. I'm reading and taking bubble baths and listening to orchestral music and dancing and being silly...

That was a really stupid concession I made with W. I gave up part of myself to be friends with him. I let him decide who I was. In worrying about what he wanted me to be, I forgot who I am. It was a grave error. When someone is worth your time they make you the best version of yourself.

What else?

A really great person recently lost his battle with cancer. I've taught his kids, and I'm really sad for them. I just came from the funeral home. It's wild to think that, not so long ago, he was giving me a hard time about concert music. It's horrifying to think about how his children will be affected by this loss--how they may become more introverted, more solitary... This family has had it so so so rough; enough is enough. It's time for them to have some good things. So, if you think about it, would you send some positive energy their way? It would mean the world to me. And to them.

I went out last night for the first time since Memorial Day weekend. I got to talk to A.B. like a human for the first time in a while; I feel a little weird asking him about himself when his girlfriend is around. I feel like she'd think it was weird or feel like I was being intrusive. Luckily, she wasn't around, so we talked for a bit. I also saw L and his girlfriend. The rest of the clan was missing; he and I got to speak for the first time da solo. He's a really interesting person, and I got to pick his brain (drunk as he was) about living out here, choosing to be here. That was incredible. Then, I was totally shocked and surprised that his friend (this super cute guy), D, remembered me. He walked right up, said my name, asked about things we had talked about previously. That was impressive--especially considering we had met one time, oh, a month ago (?). I also got to see old friends--B has been around for the last three years, but we never see each other because our schedules don't match. And A moved to California. It was weird. Weird but good. Weird because everyone was excited to see A, so we ended up talking to a lot of people that we probably wouldn't speak to normally. Good because everyone is healthy and happy and moving forward. I like to hear that kind of information.