moving to baltimore

it's ironic how the thing we most want, the thing we've been waiting for, often turns into something that, instead of clarifying the future, actually muddles it somewhat. that's how i've been feeling since friday.

friday afternoon i was pleased to discover my acceptance letter to peabody in my mailbox. i didn't (not for ONE second) doubt that i would go away; of course i've accepted this chance. i'd be a complete moron to pass it up. firstly, i'm going to be going to a very prestigious, very selective school that is renowned for its excellence (it's hopkins, for christ's sake!); secondly, i'm moving to a new city with the closest friend i've (quite possibly) ever had; thirdly, i've been wanting to get out of this town since i moved back three years ago.

so why, all of a sudden, am i a little petrified?

everything that seemed so clear in the IMAGINING of it is quite suddenly murky. how am i going to do this? how can i do this? what if i'm not strong enough or courageous enough or smart enough to do this? what if this turns into a total failure?

those thoughts are scarily pertinent now.

then there is the whole situation with w. oh! i wish i could walk away from him, no thoughts backward, no last look... i don't know why i find myself so paralyzed by him. and, in the last two weeks of self-inflicted isolation from him, i fear that the only person i hurt, the only person punished by the separation, was me. regarding him i am a coward.

but, this break is going to be easier. better to cut it off now--as one might cut off a limb--and feel phantom pains, and lament the loss, then wait until august when, god forbid!, it might be quite a messy goodbye. no. this is better. i know that. i really do. i have to remind myself.

i guess this is bittersweet. on the one hand, rationally, i know that i'm moving on to something better--to the chance to be in a great relationship, to meet someone new. on the other hand, irrationally, EMOTIONALLY, i feel like i'm giving up on something. that i'm chucking it before it can chuck me. that i'm allowing myself to abandon him because he can't be what i need him to be. but that's the thing. he can't be what i need him to be; how can i devote my attention to a friend who can't be there for me in a way that's meaningful to me?

i guess it's time to start moving on. moving away from him. i can do that.

i think.