unfamiliar variables

i've been thinking about what it means to be fully present--it's something in which i've always had interest. don't we all want to find that magic button that allows for perfect attention? and don't we all hope that complete awareness pushes us towards wonderfully poignant or deliciously fulfilling experience? i know that it's something i've always dreamed... i guess i thought that being present allows us to witness things in a pure way--in an honest way; it does seem that, when i am present, i have richer encounters--but maybe i've made that up.

i started to really think about presence in mongolia last summer. i think that doing something humanitarian forces awareness. of course, being in a foreign country, one is going to be more aware naturally because there are a lot of unfamiliar variables. but, also, standing with those mongolian children, looking at their faces as house after house went up, seeing the promise of a new life in their smile--you can't trade those things. for those things you want to be fully there. you want to be there when a five year old boy puts a green lizard beenie baby on his head and starts painting the stucco a pale shade of cornflower blue; you want to be there when one of the surly mongolian workers lays his head on the rounded belly of his pregnant wife; you want to be there when everyone is laughing as you try to pull your leg out of the hole in the roof without losing the 2x4 you're carrying...

so why do i recently feel myself pulling away? why do i get the sense that i'm only half doing things? am i trying to avoid disappointment or pain--or am i being cowardly? because, see, the thing is: at least by pulling away, i have an excuse for things f-ing up. you know? it's my fault. i can definitively say that it's my fault. i can be the bad guy. i can be the person who threw it all away. and there is comfort in that. it's ridiculous, sure, but it's comforting.

so, what does it take to be present? what do i need to do? what should i change?

i need answers to those questions. i need to figure out what has changed. i need to figure out how i've changed. because i don't feel like the person that i used to be.

i need someone to remind me of the person i used to be.