somewhere between crayons & cosmopolitans

i've been thinking a lot since coming to my parent's house for the thanksgiving holiday. this is the town i used to be a part of, where everything gets blurred in the fog of memory and the figuring out of who you ARE compared to who you USED TO BE. why is it that things get murky in the past--in the easiness of sliding into old habits, in the quick transformation into one's former self?

in some ways, i love getting to see old friends. it's a great thing to realize that there are people you never thought could change, but they HAVE and in the most positive way. there's safety in realizing that someone knows your whole history, that they've seen you fall off your bicycle or remember how you felt about your first kiss or threw you a ball when you weren't looking and clocked you in the head. there is something inherently beautiful in how ALIVE that can make you feel.

because, ultimately, somewhere along the line we forget to live. somewhere between crayons and cosmopolitans, we start to edit our lives. we form habits. we make snap judgements. we allow ourselves to stop dreaming. we don't ask for the things we want anymore--we ask for the things we think we'll get. and that's really sad. and that's defeating, too.

maybe the incredible thing about old friends is that they expose possibilities. when faced with childhood friends, suddenly we remember the person we thought we would be. we see what our former selves saw. for me, looking at myself through the eyes of my six year old self, i see dancing and laughing and playing board games and watching movies curled up on the couch and baking oatmeal raisin cookies and telling people i love them. i see a life filled with simple pleasures. i see a life that isn't bogged down by what is conventionally right or by what other people expect from me. it's a life that belongs to something really amazing: me.

thankfully, i'm on my way. i still try to live like i did in childhood. i've been working towards this idea for a long time, even if it wasn't consciously. i've cultivated my dreams and fought for beautiful moments. but i'm still working. i need to learn to ask for what i REALLY want; what's the harm in asking? i know that i've lost my brazen mouth--i know i ask for what i'll get. i've definitely learned fear since six. so, yeah, i keep working. i keep evolving. because i'd like to have more courage.

being here, around these people, makes me want to be more courageous. i think that's a huge step. and in many ways i'm grateful that my old friends indulge me.

but, when i play devil's advocate, i wonder if these realizations have little do with these people and more with my struggle to stay the same regardless of circumstance. i fight slipping back into old habits, i resist a quick transformation into my former self...

maybe, in the end, the only thing that has changed is me. maybe i'm learning to let go of old bitterness and that's why i find something incredible and beautiful in these old friends.

grace

a lot has happened since my last post. some of it has been really good, & some of it has totally sucked, but i'm getting through.

i've moved to baltimore. so, yes, i'm continuing to move. i'll be here for a bit--& generally i really like the city. i've made amazing friends & i feel like the person i used to be when i was living in manhattan. school is a bit harder than i expected, a little like junior high, but what can you do? keep out of as much bs as possible, & try to get what you need from the experience. i'm doing that. i think.

my grandfather passed away just a few weeks ago. it's been really difficult for me--more so than i anticipated. &, after the first thanksgiving w/o him, i'm a little nostalgic for the old days. i miss our private conversations; i was much closer to him than i realized.

i think that's the toughest thing. he & i were close, sure, but i didn't realize how much i relied on his approval & attention. he was this classic male figure in my life--strong & quiet...

i came to my parent's for thanksgiving. it's been a little strange to be back--i got thrown into the life i had before almost immediately. somehow it's like i never left. in other ways, i feel miles away from everyone. also, after the last week, i don't know, i find it hard to be ok w/myself.

i've been working on grace.

which is exactly what i need. especially back here. especially when it becomes clearer every day how poorly i've handled certain situations. especially when i'm beginning to understand that some things don't get better with time.