everyone is healthy and happy

It's been a long time since my last entry; I know that. Things have gotten out of hand--or, at least, I'm feeling more overwhelmed than in the past. Summer is supposed to be a time of relaxation for us teacher-folk. I'm finding (however) that I'm busier than ever.

I took a summer job--working at a little boutique in my village--to pass the time and make some extra bucks. What was intended to be a few days a week has turned into five days, seven hours a day. It's monotonous work, and while I am grateful for that, I am exhausted after a long weekend. The only benefit to working in a store called KHARMA--which is owned by a woman practicing Hindu and peopled with Buddhists--is that I'm learning a lot about eastern spirituality, refining those thoughts I've had for a long time, seeing the connection between things (the non-accidents). I'm becoming a fuller person spiritually; that's wonderful.

As for other things...

The situation with W hasn't gotten any better. It's been a month since we spoke; we haven't seen each other or called each other (we haven't even said "hi") since Memorial Day weekend. Part of me is having a hard time with that. I feel like I'm chucking the situation because it became too difficult to handle--in other words, I lost control of it. I feel like I disappointed him; that may be a weird statement. After all, he was a jerk to me not the other way around. But it makes sense because I always said that I'd be there, thick or thin, and at the first sign--or the tenth sign--of trouble I gave up. I justify myself because it has always been hard, and I'm not one of those people who believe relationships should be hard; I think the opposite--it shouldn't be that difficult. The other part of me, however, is feeling liberated. I feel more like myself than I have in a long time. I'm reading and taking bubble baths and listening to orchestral music and dancing and being silly...

That was a really stupid concession I made with W. I gave up part of myself to be friends with him. I let him decide who I was. In worrying about what he wanted me to be, I forgot who I am. It was a grave error. When someone is worth your time they make you the best version of yourself.

What else?

A really great person recently lost his battle with cancer. I've taught his kids, and I'm really sad for them. I just came from the funeral home. It's wild to think that, not so long ago, he was giving me a hard time about concert music. It's horrifying to think about how his children will be affected by this loss--how they may become more introverted, more solitary... This family has had it so so so rough; enough is enough. It's time for them to have some good things. So, if you think about it, would you send some positive energy their way? It would mean the world to me. And to them.

I went out last night for the first time since Memorial Day weekend. I got to talk to A.B. like a human for the first time in a while; I feel a little weird asking him about himself when his girlfriend is around. I feel like she'd think it was weird or feel like I was being intrusive. Luckily, she wasn't around, so we talked for a bit. I also saw L and his girlfriend. The rest of the clan was missing; he and I got to speak for the first time da solo. He's a really interesting person, and I got to pick his brain (drunk as he was) about living out here, choosing to be here. That was incredible. Then, I was totally shocked and surprised that his friend (this super cute guy), D, remembered me. He walked right up, said my name, asked about things we had talked about previously. That was impressive--especially considering we had met one time, oh, a month ago (?). I also got to see old friends--B has been around for the last three years, but we never see each other because our schedules don't match. And A moved to California. It was weird. Weird but good. Weird because everyone was excited to see A, so we ended up talking to a lot of people that we probably wouldn't speak to normally. Good because everyone is healthy and happy and moving forward. I like to hear that kind of information.

moving to baltimore

it's ironic how the thing we most want, the thing we've been waiting for, often turns into something that, instead of clarifying the future, actually muddles it somewhat. that's how i've been feeling since friday.

friday afternoon i was pleased to discover my acceptance letter to peabody in my mailbox. i didn't (not for ONE second) doubt that i would go away; of course i've accepted this chance. i'd be a complete moron to pass it up. firstly, i'm going to be going to a very prestigious, very selective school that is renowned for its excellence (it's hopkins, for christ's sake!); secondly, i'm moving to a new city with the closest friend i've (quite possibly) ever had; thirdly, i've been wanting to get out of this town since i moved back three years ago.

so why, all of a sudden, am i a little petrified?

everything that seemed so clear in the IMAGINING of it is quite suddenly murky. how am i going to do this? how can i do this? what if i'm not strong enough or courageous enough or smart enough to do this? what if this turns into a total failure?

those thoughts are scarily pertinent now.

then there is the whole situation with w. oh! i wish i could walk away from him, no thoughts backward, no last look... i don't know why i find myself so paralyzed by him. and, in the last two weeks of self-inflicted isolation from him, i fear that the only person i hurt, the only person punished by the separation, was me. regarding him i am a coward.

but, this break is going to be easier. better to cut it off now--as one might cut off a limb--and feel phantom pains, and lament the loss, then wait until august when, god forbid!, it might be quite a messy goodbye. no. this is better. i know that. i really do. i have to remind myself.

i guess this is bittersweet. on the one hand, rationally, i know that i'm moving on to something better--to the chance to be in a great relationship, to meet someone new. on the other hand, irrationally, EMOTIONALLY, i feel like i'm giving up on something. that i'm chucking it before it can chuck me. that i'm allowing myself to abandon him because he can't be what i need him to be. but that's the thing. he can't be what i need him to be; how can i devote my attention to a friend who can't be there for me in a way that's meaningful to me?

i guess it's time to start moving on. moving away from him. i can do that.

i think.

garbage, mouse droppings, & retirement parties

of all the things that make me want to get the hell out, a bad day at school is on the top of my list. and today was pretty bad.

i get to school every morning around 7:15; today i get there only to find that the custodians have thrown away a huge box filled with my spring concert music. all of my octavos thrown in the trash.

then, i go into my desk--spring cleaning etc--and all over my files are mouse droppings. yes. MOUSE DROPPINGS. so, i don my gloves and surgical mask (which is pretty hysterical, what in my blazer, venetian crystals, and high heels) and proceed to throw away about half of my files--confidential files, concert programs, letters to and from parents, observation summaries... oh i was ticked off. really ticked off.

the day did get better. it had to, didn't it? things turned out ok--i just cranked up the sound on my ipod and listened to some tunes during free periods, finished my ordering for next year, corrected some papers...

after school, however, i had to go to an informal retirement party for one of the fifth grade teachers. she's been teaching a long time and i really like her. i should. i spent my childhood in her house. but, i don't know, some things have been done recently that i thought were rather insensitive; and despite my desire to feel ANY other way, i'm not feeling like i want to celebrate her right now. isn't that horrible?

oh well. thing is, this town is so so so so so small. everyone knows everyone and everything about everyone. it's hard to have secrets in a place like this. that's why i'm feeling boxed in.

but maybe i feel this way because of the mouse turds in my desk.

that could have done it for today. i don't know. maybe that's the explanation.

unfamiliar variables

i've been thinking about what it means to be fully present--it's something in which i've always had interest. don't we all want to find that magic button that allows for perfect attention? and don't we all hope that complete awareness pushes us towards wonderfully poignant or deliciously fulfilling experience? i know that it's something i've always dreamed... i guess i thought that being present allows us to witness things in a pure way--in an honest way; it does seem that, when i am present, i have richer encounters--but maybe i've made that up.

i started to really think about presence in mongolia last summer. i think that doing something humanitarian forces awareness. of course, being in a foreign country, one is going to be more aware naturally because there are a lot of unfamiliar variables. but, also, standing with those mongolian children, looking at their faces as house after house went up, seeing the promise of a new life in their smile--you can't trade those things. for those things you want to be fully there. you want to be there when a five year old boy puts a green lizard beenie baby on his head and starts painting the stucco a pale shade of cornflower blue; you want to be there when one of the surly mongolian workers lays his head on the rounded belly of his pregnant wife; you want to be there when everyone is laughing as you try to pull your leg out of the hole in the roof without losing the 2x4 you're carrying...

so why do i recently feel myself pulling away? why do i get the sense that i'm only half doing things? am i trying to avoid disappointment or pain--or am i being cowardly? because, see, the thing is: at least by pulling away, i have an excuse for things f-ing up. you know? it's my fault. i can definitively say that it's my fault. i can be the bad guy. i can be the person who threw it all away. and there is comfort in that. it's ridiculous, sure, but it's comforting.

so, what does it take to be present? what do i need to do? what should i change?

i need answers to those questions. i need to figure out what has changed. i need to figure out how i've changed. because i don't feel like the person that i used to be.

i need someone to remind me of the person i used to be.