regret

the semester is winding down; i say that with a hint of irony because, in complete honesty, it seems like there's more to do now than ever before. i wouldn't have a problem with the work load if, say, i had been slacking up until now. since i've been working diligently all semester, it feels somehow wrong to be getting slammed at the end. still, this was the choice i made--coming here, doing this--and i have to continue to believe that it has been the best thing.

do i have regrets? that's an interesting question.

i've been thinking about regret recently. i've posed the question to a number of people: do you have regrets? what is your greatest regret? and, generally, everyone has got one. they regret the thing they haven't said, or the thing they wish they had done, or their inability to see a situation more clearly more quickly.

but, me? i don't normally feel those things because i tend to do what seems right or important at the time: i say what i need to say, i do what i want to do. it's in the last category that i find difficulty because seeing something for what it is doesn't necessarily follow any patterns, and we can't practice getting better at it because each situation is dependent on so many outside influences that are uncontrollable. to have a regret regarding something over which we have no control seems silly to me.

having said that, feeling regret regarding something over which i have no control is exactly where i find myself--well have been finding myself since going to new york at thanksgiving.

i know i did everything i could. i'm confident in the knowledge that i wouldn't change anything--not a word, not a glance, not a touch. i'm less confident in the knowledge that there is nothing i can do. RATIONALLY i know i can't do more. but since when does love or companionship have anything to do with rationality? and my irrational heart regrets the end of this.

so where does this leave me?

right now i'm left in a world of half-realized dreams and hopes for the future. right now i'm left wondering if he will ever become the person i need him to be. right now i'm left feeling a little silly because i can't let go of him. right now i'm a little sad because i've lost my best friend. and, ultimately, romance or no, that's what i'm regretting. i regret that i can't allow him to be my best friend the way he was for so long--i regret needing him to be something more and therefore losing him completely.